


finding our way home

by 616steverogers



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Dual POV, Friends to Lovers, From 2x11 onwards, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, Mutual Pining, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-12-30 19:07:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18321422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/616steverogers/pseuds/616steverogers
Summary: With Shannon back in his and Christopher’s lives, Eddie is having trouble adjusting to the new dynamic. He is glad to see Christopher happy and ideally it would be perfect if he and Shannon could make it work, but he can’t help but feel as if it’s too late for them. He isn’t sure if he can continue being Shannon’s husband, but he doesn’t want to try to do all of this on his own again. What if those weren’t his only options?Finally moving on from Abby, Buck is trying to navigate his social life with a new perspective. His relationship with Abby made him realize he wants more from life than just sex, but he isn’t sure how to go about finding it. Things with Ali are great, they’re having fun, and it’s not as hard as he expected it to be. So why does he feel like something’s missing? Maybe Ali isn’t the one for him, but that doesn’t mean he can’t find what he’s looking for.





	finding our way home

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think! you can find me on tumblr at [steviebarnes](https://steviebarnes.tumblr.com/)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie is getting used to his new family dynamic and figuring out his complicated feelings for Shannon, which involves moping around the station and missing Christopher. And avoiding the questioning glances everyone has been throwing his way. Can't a guy have an emotional crisis in his own workplace anymore?
> 
> Buck is glad to have a girlfriend again, except he isn't sure if that's what Ali is. He tries not to think too hard about his love life and focus on cheering up his friends, especially Eddie, that guy is looking way too mopey for someone who has a kid as adorable as Christopher.

          Eddie reaches over to turn off his beeping alarm clock. He is already awake, has been for the last hour, lying on his back listening to the quiet sounds of the house. Shannon picked up Christopher the evening before so he could spend a few days with her. Eddie was nervous at first, and still is to a lesser extent, since he hasn’t spent this much time apart from Christopher in years. Not since Shannon left. Logically, he knows Shannon is Christopher’s mother and he is perfectly safe with her, but he still feels tense about not seeing him for a few days. He is so used to seeing his smiling face every morning, going through their routine together, perfectly in sync. The routine has been good for both of them, a small piece of stability in their lives, and Eddie feels a little off kilter now that the careful balance has been disturbed.  

         He made the decision to let Shannon back into their lives because he wants Christopher to be happy. When Christopher had asked to see his mother, he knew there was no way he could deny that kid anything, even though he wasn’t ready to give their relationship another shot. It’s been a few weeks now, since Christmas, and despite his doubts, Shannon has been great. She shows up on time to pick up Christopher from school and from Eddie’s house, respects Eddie’s boundaries about their relationship, and hasn’t pushed for more than Eddie has been willing to give. Against his better judgement, he still loves her, and seeing her be such a good mom to Christopher is breaking down his resolve. He wants to trust her, to be a family again, but he holds back. He doesn’t want to make any hasty decisions and hurt Christopher in the process. If it turns out he isn’t actually ready to be a husband again, or if history repeats itself, he could never forgive himself for doing that to Christopher.

         Eddie stretches and climbs out of bed. He knows he needs to get dressed for work, but he finds himself walking towards Christopher’s room. The bed is made haphazardly and a few crayons litter the floor near his desk, likely dropped when Christopher was rushing to clean up so he could go with his mom. Eddie smiles to himself and walks over to smooth the comforter before picking up the crayons and putting them away. He feels a little resentful of Shannon for taking Christopher away, but he knows that’s irrational. If he could get over his fears and let Shannon in, he could wake up to her and Christopher every morning. It’s his own fault that Christopher isn’t here with him right now and he could change that with just one conversation. He and Shannon are still married, it would be so easy for them to be a family again, but he needs more time. With a sigh, he walks out of Christopher’s room and heads to the bathroom to start his day.

*

         Buck scrambles out of bed, blindly reaching behind him to turn off his alarm and untangling himself from his sheets. The floor is cold to his bare feet and he winces as he rushes over to one of the many boxes stacked in his room. At least the cold wakes him up as he rifles through the box, looking for a pair of clean pants. It’s been a few days since he moved into the new place, but he’s been on shift and too tired after work to unpack his things. That’s the excuse he used on Maddie when she showed up to his place last night with a bottle of wine. He also told her if she wanted to help him unpack she could go right ahead, which earned him a cushion to the face. He is glad to finally be in his own place after so many months, rather than his sister’s or girlfriend’s, but it doesn’t feel like home yet. Unpacking his stuff might be the first step to making it his home, but it also feels like a big commitment. The last time he had called a place home had been Abby’s place, and it hadn’t ended well for him. But he knows it’s time to move on and stop dwelling on what happened.

         He grabs his clothes and heads into the bathroom. He climbs into the shower without waiting for the water to warm up, letting the cold shock him awake. He lets his thoughts drift as he gets out and dries himself off. After his realization that things with Abby were in fact, over, he hadn’t really known what to do with himself. He tried to jump right back into the dating scene, but he didn’t really know how to do that. Before Abby, he had only been interested in sex, and now, he found himself longing for a real relationship. With Abby, it had just sort of happened. He had no experience with going out and finding someone with the intent of starting a relationship. His experience with Taylor just made him more sure that he wanted more than sex. So when Ali had called and asked him for coffee, he jumped at the opportunity. He was nervous about going on a real date after so long, but he ended up having a really good time.

         Now, almost two months later, he is pretty happy with the way things are going. He has fun with Ali and he’s glad he doesn’t feel suffocated like he did on dates in the past, before Abby. He didn’t realize when he started doing it, but he measures time with respect to Abby. She was a turning point in his life, made him realize that he could have more, that he deserves more. Ali is very different from Abby, but not in a bad way. He finds himself comparing them at times, especially during their first few dates, thinking about what Abby would have done differently, but he realized it wasn’t fair to Ali. He knows that no one is going to make him feel like Abby did, and that’s okay. You can love people in different ways and it doesn’t mean you love them any less. Not that he loves Ali. Not even close. But it’s fun, and he’s happy. He has no complaints.

         He should text her. That’s what boyfriends do, right? Although, now that he thinks about it, he’s not actually sure if he is her boyfriend. They haven’t really talked about what their relationship is, and they haven’t even slept together, so Buck isn’t sure. The old Buck would have been worried that they’ve been dating for almost two months and they haven’t had sex, but the new Buck is in no rush. Not that he would mind, but he wants to make sure his feelings for Ali are serious before he jumps into bed with her. He knows how easily his judgement can get clouded when it comes to sex.

         He should still text her, see if she wants to hang out tonight, maybe figure out the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing. It would be nice, to have a girlfriend again, someone he can introduce to his friends. He picks up his phone from the box next to his bed he’s using as a makeshift nightstand and types out a quick text to Ali.

         **Buck [6:24 AM]:** _good morning :) you free tonight? im thinking chinese & netflix, but im open to suggestions_

         He tucks the phone into his pocket and gathers the rest of his things before leaving for work, locking the door behind him. He swings his keys around in his hand as he walks to his car and gets in. After tossing his jacket onto the passenger seat he starts the car and turns the volume up on the radio. He doesn’t know the song that’s playing but it’s some catchy pop song and he finds himself singing along as he drives. 10 minutes later he pulls into the parking lot of the fire station and parks next to Eddie’s car. Buck is surprised Eddie beat him there, knowing that Eddie usually drops Christopher off at school before work. It might be weird that he knows Eddie’s schedule so well, but Eddie had mentioned it when he was a few minutes late to shift one day. After that, Buck makes a point to get to work earlier to start some coffee for the both of them. He knows how exhausting it must be raising Christopher on his own, even with Shannon sort of back in the picture now. Eddie hasn’t brought up Shannon since Christmas but he has seemed pretty stressed out and if a hot cup of coffee can help relieve some of that stress then Buck doesn’t mind getting up a few minutes earlier to make it.

         The first time Eddie walked in and saw Buck sitting at the table across from Bobby with two mugs of coffee he simply raised an eyebrow in question and took the nearest mug with a silent nod of thanks, falling into the seat next to Buck. It became part of their morning routine and Buck looks forward to it, but he’s thrown off by Eddie showing up early. He briefly wonders if Christopher is okay. But if he wasn’t, there’s no way Eddie would be at work. Christopher must be with his _abuela_. Buck throws one last glance at Eddie’s car before walking into the firehouse. He goes to his locker first to put away his things and then heads upstairs.

         Bobby is sitting at the table with his paper, Hen is cutting an apple at the counter, and Chim is reclining on the couch. Across from Bobby, Eddie is sitting in his usual chair, with two mugs of coffee. He looks up when Buck walks in and gives him a smile. Buck takes it as a good sign. If he’s capable of smiling, then everything must be okay with Christopher. He smiles back at him and settles into his seat, nodding at Bobby who eyes him over the top of his paper.

         Buck has never considered himself a morning person, but he enjoys his mornings with the team, it’s oddly calming. Even when the quiet is interrupted by the call siren. Buck perks up slightly to listen to the call, but none of the others so much as bat an eye. Their shift hasn’t officially started, so they continue enjoying their breakfast while the night crew rush to the truck below. There’s a few moments of noise and a flurry of movement, which fades into the distance as they drive off.

         He leans back in his chair as the quiet settles around them. He takes a big sip of his coffee, made just the way he likes it: with lots of sugar and no cream. He turns his gaze onto Eddie, opening his mouth to thank him for the coffee, but the look on Eddie’s face makes him pause. Eddie is staring at the tabletop, his mouth turned down in a frown, deep in thought. Buck claps him on the shoulder and he looks up, meeting his eyes.

         “Everything okay, Diaz?” Buck smiles at him. “I know no one makes coffee as good as mine but this isn’t that bad.”

         Eddie stares at him for a second, blinking, before he shakes his head. His mouth is set in a thin line. “Just had a weird morning.”

         He shrugs Buck’s hand off of his shoulder and gets up. Buck watches him put his mug in the sink and go downstairs. Hen turns to look at Buck and she raises her eyebrows at him. Buck shrugs. It’s obvious that whatever is going on with Eddie is more than just a ‘weird morning,’ but it’s also obvious he doesn’t want to talk about it, so Buck just picks up his mug and sips his coffee.

         Eddie is pretty withdrawn for the rest of the shift, but he perks up a bit after a good call. There was an incident on a hiking trail, two friends out on a late afternoon run when one of them slipped and fell off the side of the cliff. Luckily, she didn’t fall too far, landing on a ledge about 10 feet below. Unfortunately, she landed on her ankle and it was most likely broken. He lowered Eddie down since the ledge only had enough room for them, and they were able to get the girl back up to the top of the cliff and into an ambulance in no time. Aside from the broken ankle and a few scrapes and bruises, she was going to be fine and it felt good to have a save. Even though Eddie is the one who did most of the work, Buck is still buzzing with adrenaline when they get back to the station. He turns and smiles at Eddie, who returns the smile with one of his own.

         “Nice work out there, Buck.” Eddie says.

         Buck scoffs. “You got all the action, I was just there for support.”

         Eddie shakes his head. “Couldn’t have done it without you. You had my back. And I know those girls appreciated it.” He adds with a wry smile.

          “At least they didn’t hit on us this time.”

         Apparently it’s the wrong thing to say, because Eddie falls back from where he was walking in step with Buck and his smile tightens. “I’ll see you upstairs, need to grab something from my locker.”

         Buck nods at him, wondering what’s got Eddie in such a weird mood. He heads upstairs and settles onto the couch. He wants to check his phone, see if Ali replied to his text, but his phone is in his locker and Eddie seems like he needs some space, so Buck doesn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. He starts brainstorming some ideas on how to cheer up Eddie. Maybe he could take him and Christopher out for ice cream. Not tonight, since he’s hoping to see Ali, but maybe tomorrow. Buck knows that an easy way to make Eddie happy is to make Christopher happy, and who doesn’t like ice cream. Buck feels pretty good about his idea and decides to bring it up with Eddie later.

*

         Eddie sits down on the bench and sighs. He cradles his phone in his hand, looking at the picture he has for his lockscreen: him and Christopher on Christmas morning, posing next to their green and red pancakes. Shannon took the picture for him and he loved it so much he had to make it his screensaver. Of course, Buck noticed it right away and demanded to see more pictures of Christopher from Christmas. He can tell that Buck is worried about him, but he hasn’t directly asked him what’s wrong and Eddie isn’t in any rush to talk about it. He doesn’t even know what he would say.

         He misses Christopher. It’s been less than 24 hours, and he never misses Christopher this much when he’s at work, but usually he knows Christopher will be home by the time he gets there. The thought of going home to his empty house is depressing. It would help if he had some sort of social life, but he’s never had time for himself before, not since he became a fulltime parent to Christopher. He glances at his phone again, unlocking it to see the text conversation between him and Shannon.

         **Shannon [2:54 PM]:** _Just picked him up from school. Heading home now._

         **Shannon [2:55 PM]:** _He’s excited to show you his art project._

         **Shannon [2:55 PM]:** _ <image_attachment.jpeg>_

         **Eddie [3:17 PM]** _: Aww, tell him it looks great! I love it :) make sure he has his afterschool snack_

         **Eddie [3:17 PM]:** _He likes it when u slice his baby carrots all the same size_

         **Shannon [3:19 PM]:** _I know Eddie. He told me exactly what he wants. He even ate half a banana._

         **Shannon [3:20 PM]:** _We’re gonna play hide n seek now, talk to you later._

         **Eddie [3:20 PM]:** _Bye_

         He types “Bye, love you” before deleting it and hitting send on a simple bye. He doesn’t know what the rules are anymore. Shannon is his wife and he loves her, but they’re not together and he doesn’t even know if that’s what he wants. He puts his phone back into his locker and slams the door closed. Maybe he can use tonight to figure out what he wants.

         He makes his way back upstairs and sits on the couch near Buck, who is doubled over laughing. He looks at Chimney for an explanation, who is sitting across from them, his face slowly turning cherry red and his expression aghast. He simply shakes his head and buries his face in his hands.

         Eddie looks back at Buck who straightens up and turns his smile on Eddie. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

         “Do I want to know?” Eddie asks.

         “No!” Chimney looks up quickly, lunging over the space between the couches to grab Buck’s collar. “You can’t tell anyone about this.”

         Buck dissolves into giggles and gently pushes Chimney off him. “Okay, fine. But only for the sake of my sister. She owes me one.”

         Eddie looks between the two of them before shaking his head and stretching out on the couch. In the last few months, 118 has started to feel like home, but sometimes he feels a pang of longing for his old squad. He loves being a firefighter, and his team is like family, but out there in the desert, when they were on the edge of death more times than not, their bond was stronger somehow. They were one entity, never any doubts about someone having your back, almost reading each other’s minds. He misses that closeness. He doesn’t have that anymore, that unwavering faith in someone else, but he thinks he could, with this team.

         He’s pulled out of his thoughts by the feeling of someone’s eyes on him. He looks up to find Buck watching him. Buck turns away and runs a hand through his hair, looking very busted.

         “Sorry. I was gonna ask you something but you were kind of out of it.” Buck gives him an apologetic smile.

         Eddie scratches his stubble as he contemplates his reply. “Just have a lot on my mind. What’s up?”

         “It’s been a while since I saw Christopher. Think maybe we could go out for some ice cream tomorrow?” Buck asks. “My treat.”

         Eddie begins to smile at him and tell him it’s a great idea, Christopher is gonna be so excited, but he remembers that Christopher is still at his mother’s. He presses his lips together in a frown and looks away from Buck. “He’s with Shannon.”

         Eddie sees Buck’s shoulder’s slump slightly out of the corner of his eye. “Oh, don’t worry about it then. Rain check?” He waits for Eddie’s nod before standing up and turning toward the stairs. “I’m gonna go grab my phone, waiting for a text from Ali.”

         Before Eddie can reply, Buck disappears down the stairs. Not that he had much to say. Eddie still finds it a bit weird that Buck is dating someone they saved, but it seems to be going well so he keeps it to himself. Not like he is in any place to giving out relationship advice. Dating an ex-victim is a way better idea than not-dating your wife and mother of your son. Eddie groans internally, mindful of the fact that there are people around, although Chimney appears to have disappeared sometime during his conversation with Buck.

         He needs to figure things out with Shannon sooner rather than later so he can make things clear with Christopher. He doesn’t want to lead him on into thinking they can be a family again, and he doesn’t want to lead Shannon on either. That settles it, he’s going to take the night to think about it and tomorrow he’ll go talk to Shannon. Not right in the morning, maybe after lunch. Which has nothing to do with the fact that he’ll be able to see Christopher after school. He just wants to have a mature, adult conversation with his wife, and seeing Christopher will just be a side benefit.

         Eddie glances at his watch and sees there’s almost 4 hours left of his shift. Time always drags in between calls so he hopes they’ll get one good call that will take them to the end of shift. For once, fate is on his side, because the call siren goes off just a few minutes later. He gets off the couch and rushes down the stairs, bumping shoulders with Buck as they gear up and climb into the truck. Eddie settles into his seat and lets himself fall into the familiar feeling of calm, the loud blare of the siren fading into the background.


End file.
